I was watching sexpert Emily Nagoski on YouTube last night about how our brain is our largest sex organ and it hit me. I used to have this deliciously wild, confident sexual energy. Let’s call her my inner slut, because honestly, she was fabulous. She knew what she wanted, took what she needed, and apologized to no one.
But then life happened. Marriage. Motherhood. Suddenly, this woman who once owned her sexuality felt… inappropriate. Dangerous, even. Like she couldn’t coexist with playdates and PTA meetings.
So I did what any respectable woman would do – I locked her away. Buried her under layers of responsibility. And apparently, my desire packed her bags and went with her.
Which got me thinking… Could I have slut-shamed myself right out of my own libido?
Turns out, there’s some science behind this revelation. Because what most of us don’t know is that our most important sex organ isn’t between our legs – it’s between our ears.
Emily Nagoski explained that the brain runs the whole show. Arousal, desire, orgasm – all brain responses. Which means you can literally think your way into or out of sexual pleasure.
She goes on to explain that sexual response works like driving a car. There’s an accelerator that notices all the sexy things (flirty texts, really listening and being present, dishes done without being asked). And brakes that notice all the reasons to tamp down the pleasure (stress, body image, garlic breath, thin walls, to do lists).
Watching this video I realized that what’s been riding my brakes for the last 20-something years is the belief that my sexy-self doesn’t belong in my married/mom life.
That confident, maybe slightly wild woman I used to be – she didn’t die when I got married or became a mother. But somewhere along the way, I convinced myself she was inappropriate. Shameful. Like expressing sexual energy meant I wasn’t a good wife or responsible mother.
So my brain did what brains do – it registered this internal conflict as a threat and slammed on the brakes. Hard.
The result? A cycle where hiding my true sexual nature killed my desire, which made me hide it even more, which killed my desire even more.
I’m exhausted just thinking about it. The good news is I realize I haven’t lost my desire. I’ve been training my brains to ignore it.
And I couldn’t help but wonder… how many women are walking around convinced they’re ‘just not sexual anymore’ when really, they’re just exhausted from policing their own sexy energy?
So here’s to releasing the brakes. To remembering that being a sexual woman doesn’t make you a bad mother.
No more hiding the parts of ourselves that feel too wild, too hungry, too much.
Welcome that slut back. And reintroduce her to your partner who fell in love with her, not this watered-down, sanitized version of you.
The truth is, our brains are designed for pleasure, curiosity, and connection. We just forgot to give ourselves permission to want it all.
Sex is a fun and juicy topic, so we’re talking sex again next week. In the meantime, go ahead … desire, indulge, crave. Want it all.
xoxo
Michelle
