We need to talk about the G-word. No, not THAT G-word (though we’ll get to that in another post). I’m talking about GUILT. That nagging feeling that’s become our constant companion, whispering that we’re not doing enough, not being enough, not giving enough.
Sound familiar?Â
Women are drowning in guilt. Mom guilt, daughter guilt, partner guilt, friend guilt, sister guilt. It’s like we’ve become Olympic-level guilt-gymnasts. And you don’t need me to tell you, it’s exhausting. Let’s unpack this guilt baggage…
Mom Guilt
Remember when we thought being a ‘good mom’ meant being at every playgroup, volunteering for every school event, and crafting Pinterest-worthy birthday parties? I spent the first five years of my son’s life running myself ragged, convinced that if I wasn’t ‘on’ 24/7, I was failing. Now that my son is older, my mom’s guilt has shifted to: Am I preparing him well enough for the real world? Have I struck the right balance between support and self-reliance? Does he understand the value of hard work and money? And my biggest fear of all; how much therapy will he need to fix all my parenting mistakes?
Daughter Guilt
As our parents age, many of us find ourselves in the ‘sandwich generation’, caring for both our kids and our parents. It’s a heavy responsibility. Especially if you don’t live in the same city as your parents. My dad is 84 years old and lives by himself, two hours away from me and my sister. We both worry constantly. Are we missing subtle signs that he might need more help? Every time there’s a gap in communication, we’re torn between giving him space and jumping in the car to drive to check on him. The constant tug-of-war between his needs and our other responsibilities is exhausting.
Partner Guilt
Remember when you used to have engaging conversations that didn’t revolve around grocery lists or family schedules? These days, it sometimes feels like my husband and I have become roomates rather than romantic partners. The guilt creeps in when I realize I can’t remember the last time I really listened to him. Or showed affection that wasn’t just a quick peck on the cheek as I rush out the door. I worry: Am I meeting his emotional needs? Has our marriage become more functional than passionate? Am I taking our relationship for granted? These fears are real and persistent.
Friend/Sister GuiltÂ
I’m the worst for rescheduling or canceling plans! “Sorry, I can’t make it tonight, I’m not feeling great.” has become my mantra. The guilt hits hard when I realize I’ve missed another important milestone in my friends’ lives or when my sister’s calls go to voicemail more often than not. Am I being a terrible friend? Have I become that friend who only shows up for the big moments, if at all? Will I stop being invited altogether?Â
The Guilt-Stress Cycle
This constant state of guilt doesn’t just weigh on our minds; it takes a significant toll on our bodies. Guilt triggers our stress response, causing our bodies to release hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. While these hormones are designed to protect us in times of danger, chronic stress keeps them constantly elevated. Over time, this can lead to a host of health issues, including high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes. Moreover, stress can suppress our immune, digestive, and reproductive systems, affecting our overall well-being.
In perimenopause, with our hormones already in flux, this stress response can be even more pronounced, amplifying our emotions and making it harder to cope with our daily lives.
It’s Time to Put Yourself First
I know what you’re thinking. “But, I can’t just stop caring for everyone else!” And you’re right. We can’t stop caring. But we can start caring for ourselves along with everyone else.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It’s necessary.
Think of it like the oxygen mask analogy on airplanes. You have to put your own mask on first before you can help others. The same applies here. You can’t pour from an empty cup. So, how do we break free from the guilt trap? Here are some strategies that have worked for me:
- Set Boundaries: It’s okay to say no. Really, it is. You don’t have to be everything to everyone all the time.
- Delegate: Your kids are capable of more than you think. Your partner too. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
- Prioritize Self-Care: Whether it’s a workout, a bubble bath, or just 10 minutes of quiet time with a cup of coffee, make time for yourself every day.
- Challenge Your Thoughts: When you feel guilty, ask yourself: “Is this guilt rational? Am I holding myself to an impossible standard?”
- Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show a friend. You’re doing the best you can.
Leading by Example
When we prioritize our own well-being, we’re setting a powerful example for our children and the people around us.
Think about it. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking she needs to sacrifice her own happiness for everyone else? Do you want your son to expect his future partner to do the same?
By taking care of ourselves, we’re showing our loved ones that it’s okay – no, it’s essential – to prioritize their own well-being too.
The Support System You Deserve
And remember, the people who truly love you should want to see you happy. If someone in your life is comfortable with you being miserable or exhausted all the time, it might be time to reassess that relationship.
Surround yourself with people who support your self-care efforts. Find your tribe of women who understand what you’re going through. Psst… that’s why we created This Is Perimenopause.
Drop the guilt and pick up the self-love. You deserve to be happy. To take care of yourself and to live your best life. You, my dear, are absolutely worth it.
Here’s to guilt-free living and thriving through perimenopause!
